Gossip
by N.V.9
Summary: Sasuke, Shikamaru, Neji, Deidara, and Haku always have a day for them to just gossip. Today's subject is: sex. COMPLETE


**Look toward profile/bio for disclaimer and anything else involving this story.**

To a side of a small cafe, void of customers, sat five men. Each of them all around the ages of twenty and twenty four. Each of them as slim and petite as the last. Each of them dressed in the most fashionable clothing, drinking the most expensive cups of various coffees. Each of them happily married to the men they loved. Each of them sitting around gossiping like girls.

"-and then he said, 'How was I supposed to know you wanted it that way? Why didn't you say so in the beginning.' Which, I might point out, I did say since the get go." Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "I swear, Kiba drives me insane."

"You married him." Neji pointed out, sipping at his coffee. "He was slow when you married him, and he still hasn't changed."

"Got that right," Deidara laughed.

"Like you're one to talk." Sasuke smirked at his brother-in-law. "You married Itachi."

"I admit to being slightly drunk when we went to vegas." Deidara defended himself. "To me he was extreamly hot and I just wanted to get laid. Besides, you married Naruto. He's exactly like Kiba."

"But with a better package." Sasuek shot back. "Let's face it, out of all of us, I declare that Naruto has the best package."

"I would argue that," Haku objected, "My hubby does."

"Since I've never seen Hidan naked, and we've all seen Naruto," Shikamaru grinned, "I'm siding with Sasuke. I may love Kiba, but he has nothing on Naruto."

"Fantasies were meant to evolve around a certain part of his body." Neji sighed, earing laughs from everyone. "And he's not bad to look at."

"You can say that again." Deidara nodded. "Actually, I think we can all say we lucked out on finding hot husbands."

"Wish they were a tad bit smarter though." Haku pouted slightly. "Wait until I tell you guys what happened yesterday."

"What?" Sasuke questioned, watching as Haku tried to decide if he should laugh or feel embarrased beyond reason. "Haku, we've all been friends for far too long. You must spill your dirty little secret."

"Yeah, don't leave us guessing and wanting to know." Deidara complained.

"Alright," Haku nodded, pushing his cup of coffee farther away from him as he leaned forward. "I just had the weirdest sex yesterday."

"Say again?" Shikamaru blinked.

"Weirdest. Sex." Haku said, empasising each word. "Okay, yesterday I was under our bed, trying to find those pictures I was telling you guys about, and the next thing I knew, my hair was stuck to the bottom of springs. I couldn't get out, and it hurt to pull, not that I've tried to pull myself free. You guys know how I am with my hair, I didn't really want to pull a strand out."

"You are as crazy about your hair as Deidara and Neji." Shikamaru nodded.

"Like you're one to talk. You and Sasuke are just as bad." Neji stated. "Remember that night we all went out to that club? You and Sasuke took forever to get your hair ready-"  
"As much as that is fun to remember-not-Haku was telling us something." Deidara said.

"Anyway," Haku shrugged, pushing his hair behind his ear, "Here I am, half stuck under the bed, and unable to move. So since Hidan was watching a movie in the living room, I called him to help me. He gets in there, sees half my body hidden beneath the bed, and half of it sticking up in the air as I tried to get out, and instead of coming to my rescue, he laughs. Like hello, I'm stuck under here, get me out."

"What happened?" Sasuke asked, trying to hold back his laughter at the expression crossing Haku's face.

"He stands behind me and pats my ass. Then he tells me I make a pretty picture. Then he ignores my pleas for help and the next thing you know, my sweats are around my knees and I'm sure you can guess what happened next." Haku said, leaning back and crossing his arms.

"He fucked you while you were stuck under the bed?" Shikamaru voiced in shock.

"Yes!" Haku nodded, "I'm screaming for him to help me out and he decides he wants to get laid."

"What happened after?" Deidara asked between laughs.

"He helps me get unstuck and then he says, and I quote, 'It was like I was fucking the bed.'"

"What?" Sasuke laughed, putting down his own coffee before he dropped it. "He said what?"

"I am not repeating that." Haku hissed, "At least not again. While I was getting fucked up the ass, unable to see anything but boxes, he was watching himself in the mirror. I was pissed, but do you think he cared? No, instead he laughs and walks out of the room."

"Oh my god," Shikamaru gasped, "I can't...wow."

"It wasn't funny." Haku glared, or tried to glare as he also tried to stop himself from laughing. "Guys! Ugh! You guys, I hate you right now."

"You told us," Sasuke pointed out.

"Yes, and this can not go beyond this table."

"Of course not, when has anything we ever said gone beyond this table?" Neji asked.

"Point...so I told you my weird sex experiance. Your turn to share."

"That was never-"

"Don't be a pussy. Share." Haku smirked as the others found their coffees very interesting. "Come on."

"Okay," Neji said, taking a breath. "Mine and Gaara's weirdest sex moment was..."

"Neji, tell us." Deidara begged.

"It was when he was working."

"You fucked while he was working? Isn't Gaara a cop? Isn't that illegal?" Haku asked.

"Yes, yes, and yes." Neji nodded, a blush threatening to overcome his face. "It wasn't really sex."

"Then what?" Sasuke asked.

"Well, okay...Do you remember that day I got into it with Hinata?"

"The one were you two were yelling at eachother in your apartment because she thinks she's in love with Gaara and she wanted to confess?" Deidara asked.

"Yeah," Neji said sourly, "That one. Anyway, I kicked her out of my place, you know, and then you guys left a few hours later. Well, I wanted a cup of tea to calm myself, because I was still pissed, but I had none. So I drove to the store with no problems. On my way back, I realized I was speeding and just as I saw that, I see the lights behind me."

"How fast were you going?"

"Seventy five in a thirty five zone." Neji confessed. "Which pissed me off even more, but back to my weird sex moment. I didn't really pay attention to who pulled me over. I was too busy trying to find my licenses and registration. So when somebody knocked on my window, I didn't think anything of it. I rolled it down and was already preparing my excuse, but when I looked out, all I see is a dick."

"What!" the others gasped as one.  
"I was stunned, okay." Neji laughed, "I was like what the fuck. I knew right away who's it was. I've been with Gaara since we were fifteen, I'd be stupid if I didn't recognize it."

"Well? What happened?" Sasuke demanded.

"He says, 'I can let you off with a warning, but you have to show me how much you want out of this ticket'. So I did what any rational person would do, I gave him the best damn head he would ever have. Needless to say, I got off with a warning and a praise of how well of a citizen I was being."

"Don't the cruisers have cameras?" Deidara asked with a grin.

"Yes, but Gaara's wasn't working, so he was using his own car as his cruiser. He just had the lights on the roof of his car."

"No cars passed by?" Sasuke asked.

"No, well I don't think so. If there were, we were too busy to notice." Neji smirked. "God I love that man, but that had to be my most weirdest moment of sex involved activities."

"Wow," Deidara laughed, "Didn't know Gaara had it in him."

"Either did I, but apparently he was feeling rather horny." Neji shrugged, "Okay who's next?"  
"I suppose it's my turn." Sasuke said with a blush in place. "Okay the weirdest sex I've ever had was when Naruto was working out on the ranch a year ago. So you guys know how he was pretty much working nonstop from four in the morning to ten at night, only to start again the next day."

"I remember that you were beyond pissed because you were going on your third week of no sex." Haku shuddered. "From every hour to none, I even felt the blue ball syndrome."

"Worst three weeks of my life." Sasuke glared. "I was pissed and horny like no other. I wanted to get laid, but everything went against me. Naruto came home, took a shower, went to bed. He got up, took a shower, went to work. There was no me time in there. He was always to damn exhausted to want to do anything."

"How did you survive?" Deidara asked sympathetically.

"Wellllllllllll," Sasuke blushed, "You've all seen Naruto naked. So you all know that Naruto walks with a constant hard on. It could be below zero, he could be fucking freezing, and as turned off as one could get, and still be hard."

"Sasuke what did you do?" Neji asked, already knowing what Sasuke would say.

"Well, one night when he came home, took his shower, and went to bed, I waited for him to fall asleep-which you all know Naruto sleeps like the dead-and when he did, I rolled him on his back and raped my husband's dick with my ass." Sasuke said glaring as the others laughed their asses off.

"Naruto worked at that ranch for six months." Deidara got out finally and laughed at Sasuke's nod, "Do you mean to tell me you had sex with your husband, for the majority of that time, while he was asleep?"

"Yes, I'm not happy about it, but I needed it." Sasuke nodded as he placed his arms on the table and buried his face within them. "God, I just needed to be fucked. I felt so horrible the first time I did it, but after the fourth time, I was okay with it. I told myself that Naruto likes sex and he'd be fine with it."

"Did he ever figure it out?" Haku asked.

"No, but both he and I were in a lot better mood afterwards." Sasuke said, lifting his head, "And my poor baby missed me."

"How did Naruto's dick miss you?" Shikamaru asked.

"The first night, he was looking all eager and when I asked if he missed me, he bobbled a little. I even saw a tear fall." Sasuke grinned. "So giving him a kiss I told him that he won't ever be abused in such a way again and you should have seen him move. He was pratically reaching for my ass by then."

"Oh wow, I always knew Naruto's dick was his own person." Deidara said, "He was just to undicklike to not be alive. Anyway, it' my turn. Okay the weirdest sex moment of my life-"

"Do I really have to hear this?" Sasuke pleaded, "It's my brother we are talking about."

"Yes and Naruto is my cousin, so shut up and take it like a man. Now where was I? Oh right, Itachi and I were doing yoga."

"Itachi did yoga?" Shikamaru blinked in confusion.

"Yes, I wanted to relax, he wanted to fuck and watch my ass in the air. So as I'm holding positions and what not, Itachi comes up behind me and says we should try a new version of yoga he heard about. Before I could say no or yes, our clothes are gone and he's up my ass as far as he could get. Then he starts calling out positions for us to get into."

"You've got to be kidding me," Sasuke paled, "I'm never looking at Itachi or yoga the same way again."

"How did you pull it off?" Neji asked intrigued.

"Um, well he didn't move. He was just planted like a damn tree in my ass. And weirdly it was kind of hot because certain positions we did felt amazing. Then toward the end, he pushed me on the mat and said we were doing doggie position." Deidara stated. "Hmmm, you know, I wouldn't mind trying it again. Okay Shikamaru, you are the last one."

"Uh, do I have to? Mine is more embarrasing-"

"We told ours." Deidara said.

"Fine, it's not like there's anything exciting or off about it. It wasn't in public or doing exercises. I wasn't night raping Kiba or anything like that." Shikamaru grumbled. "Okay, we were having normal sex, you know him above me and my back sticking to the bedsheets..."

"Shikamaru." Haku and Deidara warned.

"This is embarrasing." Shikamaru practically whined.

"Tell us."

"Ugh! So we're having sex and we are in the middle of the perfect orgasm, when the phone rang. I didn't think anything of it, but Kiba being Kiba, can't let a phone go off and not want to answer it. So while he's fucking me, he answers the damn thing. I was shocked, and tried to make him stop. Instead he just hits that one spot we all know that makes us forget our names, and he's talking to whoever's on the otherside. I guess they asked what he was doing, and what the noise was on our end because the next thing I know, Kiba is saying we're having sex and it's me in a middle of cumming. Then-I can't believe he did this-he hands the phone to me and says 'my mom wants to talk to you'."

"What!" Haku shouted, the only one who could voice anything at all.

"I know!" Shikamaru blushed, "I was shocked and tried to push the phone away but it was too late. She was already talking in my ear. So while Kiba's fucking the day lights out of me, his mom is giving me sex advice and what usually worked between her and her husband. Then to make matters worse, she put it on speaker and Hana got involved in the damn converstation. Through it all, Kiba's happily humping away and the position he has me in, won't let me free. So in the middle of his mom telling me to squeeze my cheeks together and clamp down something or other, I cum screaming Kiba's name."

"You...with his mom on the phone?" Sasuke gaped.  
"Yes," Shikamaru nodded as he massaged his forehead. "To top it off, she's still talking in my ear and telling me that she had more advice if I was interested."

"You so win the award for the weirdest sex ever." Haku said, patting his shoulder.

"I can't even look at the woman anymore, let alone her daughter. If Kiba wasn't so damn good in bed, I'd divorce his ass." Shikamaru grumbled.  
"So," Neji said sometime later, "Tonight was fun. We should get together next weekened."

"Works for me." Sasuke nodded, grabbing his bag from the floor. "Okay I gotta go, Naruto and I have plans tonight that involved this ass getting pounded into something."

"Hidan's going to try and be romantic tonight." Haku rolled his eyes and pulled on his coat, "His romance is a can of chicken noodles, a daisy from the neighbors flower pot, and sex all over the house...So I got to go to."

"Since Itachi has a few days off of work, he wants us to have sex nonstop. I'm not complaining and in fact I don't want to be late." Deidara said, drinking the rest of his coffee as he wrapped a scarf around his neck.

"Gaara wants to show me how to cock a gun," Neji smirked as he put on his hat, "he wants me to be prepared for anything."

"Lucky you," Shikamaru grumbled and zipped up his favorite jacket of Kiba's, "I have to go to dinner with the in-laws."

"Good luck with that." Sasuke said after a small hesitation and like one, they scattered their own ways, leaving Shikamaru to slowly make his way to the last place he wanted to go.


End file.
